The Middle
I got married in August of 2002, had my first daughter in December 2003. Ann and Joanna were so close they did so much together. Joanna called her, Nonny. Every Saturday we would go to yard sales, meet up with Ann for her lunch break, went on many family vacations together. Spent lots of time at Chuck E. Cheese together, I am so thankful for all the pencil sketch drawings we have throughout the years there. We all lived together.
Ann started work after college as a Church secretary and then as a Real Estate Agents secretary. She got married September of 2006 to Jesse.
Shattered
On Saturday, March 22 Ann started blacking out so we took her to the hospital, where they found a brain tumor. On Easter Sunday night she stopped breathing and had to be revived but in a coma. On March 24 she was pronounced brain dead which was my 29th birthday. Coincidentally in 2001 my cousin was killed in a car accident also on my birthday.
Loss
My hormones were crazy with being six months pregnant with my second daughter. I was sick the whole time up to this point. Getting the unforgetable phone call at 10 pm, “Come quick she stopped breathing and they are trying to revive her.” Adrenaline kicks in jump in the van call my aunt to talk to me while I drive there. The next 24 hours are a roller coaster of questions from Doctors and heart break. The hardest thing I have ever had to do was tell my precious parents my sister was in Heaven and we will no longer get to see her human body.
I instantly go into take care of everyone mode after this. I have dreams, nightmares, wishing this is not true. I have a huge emptiness, I feel so alone. I know I had the Lord, family, and friends. But our bond was so tight. I go through blaming myself, others, anger, and regret.
I have my first act of peace in what I call my closure dream. With being so pregnant the day I left Ann I kissed her told her I love her and would see her tomorrow, but I didn’t give her hug. Her rails were up and my stomach was to big. After she died I was losing sleep just sick with myself I didn’t get a hug from her. I dreamed I opened the door and there stood Ann, I tackled her with the biggest hug ever and the next morning. It was like I got my hug from her.
Grief
As a Christian I know God is in control of everything that happens. Ann favorite Bible verse was Romans 8:28, And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. I also was comforted by Psalm 23:4, Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. And II Corinthians 12:9, And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
I also think it is ok to not be ok when you lose someone so close to you, this does not lesson your love for God but is part of grieving. There are so many stages I went through and going through: numbness, shock, anger, sadness, depression, fear, and acceptance. I went through a stage where you feel like a disease. People who use to call stop because in reality they didn’t know what to say to me. Go through thinking everyone is thinking something negative about you. Get hurt so easily by what people say but don’t let them know. Think your friends and families don’t like you just tolerate you. You receive so many phone calls and cards during the first few weeks upon tragedy. But I have learned through this that those are great steps of showing you care but a great need of phone calls or cards is about two months or later. When reality has sunk in and the pain of loss is great and depression is trying to take over.
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