The Ending
I miss Ann so much. I hurt for her. I am so happy for her. I am so thankful I had a little sister, Ann Marie. We had a wonderful time together and many memories that I will cherish.
People say it gets easier after the first year. The first year came. I’m still devastated missing her so much, crying a lot. I have accepted she is gone. I have forgiven myself for not doing more. I try not to dwell on the negative things but the positive we had and shared. I will always have a whole in my life without her. The second year was harder.
Her life and her death have changed me forever. There are no mountains without valleys; there can be no love without loss, and no joy without sorrow.
I choose Mountain Peaks –even though I will face valleys.
I choose Love –even though I will face loss.
I choose Joy –even though I will face sorrow.
I choose Life –even though I will face death.
I want to embrace each moment of life. Put my fingerprints on hearts, be an inspiration to my children, be a help to my husband, encourage the discouraged, and strengthen the grieving.
Monday, March 22, 2010
A Sister Bond -The Middle
The Middle
I got married in August of 2002, had my first daughter in December 2003. Ann and Joanna were so close they did so much together. Joanna called her, Nonny. Every Saturday we would go to yard sales, meet up with Ann for her lunch break, went on many family vacations together. Spent lots of time at Chuck E. Cheese together, I am so thankful for all the pencil sketch drawings we have throughout the years there. We all lived together.
Ann started work after college as a Church secretary and then as a Real Estate Agents secretary. She got married September of 2006 to Jesse.
Shattered
On Saturday, March 22 Ann started blacking out so we took her to the hospital, where they found a brain tumor. On Easter Sunday night she stopped breathing and had to be revived but in a coma. On March 24 she was pronounced brain dead which was my 29th birthday. Coincidentally in 2001 my cousin was killed in a car accident also on my birthday.
Loss
My hormones were crazy with being six months pregnant with my second daughter. I was sick the whole time up to this point. Getting the unforgetable phone call at 10 pm, “Come quick she stopped breathing and they are trying to revive her.” Adrenaline kicks in jump in the van call my aunt to talk to me while I drive there. The next 24 hours are a roller coaster of questions from Doctors and heart break. The hardest thing I have ever had to do was tell my precious parents my sister was in Heaven and we will no longer get to see her human body.
I instantly go into take care of everyone mode after this. I have dreams, nightmares, wishing this is not true. I have a huge emptiness, I feel so alone. I know I had the Lord, family, and friends. But our bond was so tight. I go through blaming myself, others, anger, and regret.
I have my first act of peace in what I call my closure dream. With being so pregnant the day I left Ann I kissed her told her I love her and would see her tomorrow, but I didn’t give her hug. Her rails were up and my stomach was to big. After she died I was losing sleep just sick with myself I didn’t get a hug from her. I dreamed I opened the door and there stood Ann, I tackled her with the biggest hug ever and the next morning. It was like I got my hug from her.
Grief
As a Christian I know God is in control of everything that happens. Ann favorite Bible verse was Romans 8:28, And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. I also was comforted by Psalm 23:4, Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. And II Corinthians 12:9, And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
I also think it is ok to not be ok when you lose someone so close to you, this does not lesson your love for God but is part of grieving. There are so many stages I went through and going through: numbness, shock, anger, sadness, depression, fear, and acceptance. I went through a stage where you feel like a disease. People who use to call stop because in reality they didn’t know what to say to me. Go through thinking everyone is thinking something negative about you. Get hurt so easily by what people say but don’t let them know. Think your friends and families don’t like you just tolerate you. You receive so many phone calls and cards during the first few weeks upon tragedy. But I have learned through this that those are great steps of showing you care but a great need of phone calls or cards is about two months or later. When reality has sunk in and the pain of loss is great and depression is trying to take over.
I got married in August of 2002, had my first daughter in December 2003. Ann and Joanna were so close they did so much together. Joanna called her, Nonny. Every Saturday we would go to yard sales, meet up with Ann for her lunch break, went on many family vacations together. Spent lots of time at Chuck E. Cheese together, I am so thankful for all the pencil sketch drawings we have throughout the years there. We all lived together.
Ann started work after college as a Church secretary and then as a Real Estate Agents secretary. She got married September of 2006 to Jesse.
Shattered
On Saturday, March 22 Ann started blacking out so we took her to the hospital, where they found a brain tumor. On Easter Sunday night she stopped breathing and had to be revived but in a coma. On March 24 she was pronounced brain dead which was my 29th birthday. Coincidentally in 2001 my cousin was killed in a car accident also on my birthday.
Loss
My hormones were crazy with being six months pregnant with my second daughter. I was sick the whole time up to this point. Getting the unforgetable phone call at 10 pm, “Come quick she stopped breathing and they are trying to revive her.” Adrenaline kicks in jump in the van call my aunt to talk to me while I drive there. The next 24 hours are a roller coaster of questions from Doctors and heart break. The hardest thing I have ever had to do was tell my precious parents my sister was in Heaven and we will no longer get to see her human body.
I instantly go into take care of everyone mode after this. I have dreams, nightmares, wishing this is not true. I have a huge emptiness, I feel so alone. I know I had the Lord, family, and friends. But our bond was so tight. I go through blaming myself, others, anger, and regret.
I have my first act of peace in what I call my closure dream. With being so pregnant the day I left Ann I kissed her told her I love her and would see her tomorrow, but I didn’t give her hug. Her rails were up and my stomach was to big. After she died I was losing sleep just sick with myself I didn’t get a hug from her. I dreamed I opened the door and there stood Ann, I tackled her with the biggest hug ever and the next morning. It was like I got my hug from her.
Grief
As a Christian I know God is in control of everything that happens. Ann favorite Bible verse was Romans 8:28, And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. I also was comforted by Psalm 23:4, Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. And II Corinthians 12:9, And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
I also think it is ok to not be ok when you lose someone so close to you, this does not lesson your love for God but is part of grieving. There are so many stages I went through and going through: numbness, shock, anger, sadness, depression, fear, and acceptance. I went through a stage where you feel like a disease. People who use to call stop because in reality they didn’t know what to say to me. Go through thinking everyone is thinking something negative about you. Get hurt so easily by what people say but don’t let them know. Think your friends and families don’t like you just tolerate you. You receive so many phone calls and cards during the first few weeks upon tragedy. But I have learned through this that those are great steps of showing you care but a great need of phone calls or cards is about two months or later. When reality has sunk in and the pain of loss is great and depression is trying to take over.
A Sisters Bond -The Beginning
A SISTER’S BOND
The Beginning
On April 6, 1981 my best friend was born. By the age of one she started having health problems. She began passing out a lot. She is my little sister, Ann. My first memory was when I was in kindergarten once a month a case worker would take our whole family to Ann Arbor to have Ann checked. They found a brain tumor and they told us the day they planned to do surgery it had disappeared as they checked one more time before shaving her hair. Our parent s are both mentally handicapped. Dad was in a car accident when he was ten. His mother was killed and he was in a comma for six months some other siblings were also hurt. Mom was a sick child and had a childhood fever that caused brain damage.
As we grew Ann was very quiet and shy, but by the age of ten she blossomed into an outgoing fun girl. She didn’t get in trouble in school until 5th grade when she got in a marker fight. I on the other had been spanked almost every year of elementary school.
Right before I started kindergarten a family from First Baptist Church visited our family. Our case worker worked out a payment plan to put us in Bridgeport Baptist Academy Christian School. She told the pastor “I think this is the only thing that will save these girls.” When the money stopped coming in we could have easily been turned away into the public school system. But the Principal and Pastor saw something in our lives and made an eternal investment in us. We began work scholarship and continued it through graduation. We went to every camp, every church activity, played volleyball, and cheerleading. Ann began playing the violin in 4th grade. I have many memories of it because I also had to go to her lessons with my mom so I could help practice at home. I played clarinet a couple of years. We both graduated from Bridgeport Baptist Academy. Upon our graduation we both went off to Bible College in Powell, TN. While at Crown College I was Ann’s dorm supervisor, after I graduated she moved into my apartment to save on expenses.
We were both in the big brother/big sister program. I had many “big sisters”. When Ann was being matched to her first “big sister”, Cheryl. Ann prayed that Cheryl would be her big sister, and they were together the whole time they were in the program. When Ann & Cheryl left the program the bond they built did not leave. They still got together as Ann got older and went off to college. Ann spent every Christmas Eve with Cheryl and her family. Cheryl was more than a friend she was family to Ann. I am so thankful to Cheryl and all the adventures they had together.
We had many adventures growing up: playing in the attic (story: not good to go up in the attic if your big sister is not there to tell you were to step and not to step. I told Ann lots of times you can’t step in the area right when you get up there stay on the beams or you will fall through. One day I get home after a volleyball game walk to my room duck under the ceiling hanging and go back to the living room ask dad where is mom and Ann. He calmly says look up. I look up and see a huge whole with my lamp hanging through the ceiling. They were at the emergency room with Ann foot she ended up sprained it really bad. She had week ankles the rest of her life.); surfing down the basement stairs on all kinds of things (story: don’t go down the stairs on a saucer sled you fall off the side and get hurt doesn’t go straight down, but cushions and mattress work great.); water fights that almost caught the house on fire (story: I am doing dishes Ann had a friend over we get in a huge water fight in the kitchen. Afterwards Ann’s friend decides to get in the shower to clean up. We were all a mess. The next thing you know we are calling the fire department the place is covered in smoke. We are banging on the bathroom door for her friend to get out. We are not sure if the water got in the vent and the house is going to blow up. Her friend thinks we are lying, opens the door runs out in a towel shampoo in her hair we ask the neighbor if she could get shampoo out of her hair and get dressed. Fire department arrives and finds out it wasn’t even us the dryer plug was sparking and that caused the smoke. Ann friend goes home with a memory we all had to spend the night at grandmas to air out the house.); sledding off the roof into the snow, jumping off the barn (story: we were at family’s house jumping off the top of the barn 4 cousins had gone landed, I go land, Ann goes lands on her bottom and passes out. She comes to and we all get in trouble from my Grandma.). I have many more adventures and crazy things we did.
Our lives have many fingerprints on them of people who invested in us. Who will you invest in today? You can make a difference in somebody!
The Beginning
On April 6, 1981 my best friend was born. By the age of one she started having health problems. She began passing out a lot. She is my little sister, Ann. My first memory was when I was in kindergarten once a month a case worker would take our whole family to Ann Arbor to have Ann checked. They found a brain tumor and they told us the day they planned to do surgery it had disappeared as they checked one more time before shaving her hair. Our parent s are both mentally handicapped. Dad was in a car accident when he was ten. His mother was killed and he was in a comma for six months some other siblings were also hurt. Mom was a sick child and had a childhood fever that caused brain damage.
As we grew Ann was very quiet and shy, but by the age of ten she blossomed into an outgoing fun girl. She didn’t get in trouble in school until 5th grade when she got in a marker fight. I on the other had been spanked almost every year of elementary school.
Right before I started kindergarten a family from First Baptist Church visited our family. Our case worker worked out a payment plan to put us in Bridgeport Baptist Academy Christian School. She told the pastor “I think this is the only thing that will save these girls.” When the money stopped coming in we could have easily been turned away into the public school system. But the Principal and Pastor saw something in our lives and made an eternal investment in us. We began work scholarship and continued it through graduation. We went to every camp, every church activity, played volleyball, and cheerleading. Ann began playing the violin in 4th grade. I have many memories of it because I also had to go to her lessons with my mom so I could help practice at home. I played clarinet a couple of years. We both graduated from Bridgeport Baptist Academy. Upon our graduation we both went off to Bible College in Powell, TN. While at Crown College I was Ann’s dorm supervisor, after I graduated she moved into my apartment to save on expenses.
We were both in the big brother/big sister program. I had many “big sisters”. When Ann was being matched to her first “big sister”, Cheryl. Ann prayed that Cheryl would be her big sister, and they were together the whole time they were in the program. When Ann & Cheryl left the program the bond they built did not leave. They still got together as Ann got older and went off to college. Ann spent every Christmas Eve with Cheryl and her family. Cheryl was more than a friend she was family to Ann. I am so thankful to Cheryl and all the adventures they had together.
We had many adventures growing up: playing in the attic (story: not good to go up in the attic if your big sister is not there to tell you were to step and not to step. I told Ann lots of times you can’t step in the area right when you get up there stay on the beams or you will fall through. One day I get home after a volleyball game walk to my room duck under the ceiling hanging and go back to the living room ask dad where is mom and Ann. He calmly says look up. I look up and see a huge whole with my lamp hanging through the ceiling. They were at the emergency room with Ann foot she ended up sprained it really bad. She had week ankles the rest of her life.); surfing down the basement stairs on all kinds of things (story: don’t go down the stairs on a saucer sled you fall off the side and get hurt doesn’t go straight down, but cushions and mattress work great.); water fights that almost caught the house on fire (story: I am doing dishes Ann had a friend over we get in a huge water fight in the kitchen. Afterwards Ann’s friend decides to get in the shower to clean up. We were all a mess. The next thing you know we are calling the fire department the place is covered in smoke. We are banging on the bathroom door for her friend to get out. We are not sure if the water got in the vent and the house is going to blow up. Her friend thinks we are lying, opens the door runs out in a towel shampoo in her hair we ask the neighbor if she could get shampoo out of her hair and get dressed. Fire department arrives and finds out it wasn’t even us the dryer plug was sparking and that caused the smoke. Ann friend goes home with a memory we all had to spend the night at grandmas to air out the house.); sledding off the roof into the snow, jumping off the barn (story: we were at family’s house jumping off the top of the barn 4 cousins had gone landed, I go land, Ann goes lands on her bottom and passes out. She comes to and we all get in trouble from my Grandma.). I have many more adventures and crazy things we did.
Our lives have many fingerprints on them of people who invested in us. Who will you invest in today? You can make a difference in somebody!
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